It's Not What It Looks Like

Being a Senior Pastor’s wife for more than 12 years, I have often experienced severe misperception.  People have misunderstood my actions; what I do and I don’t do.  They have confused who I am with who I am not.  When a person finally meets me and we start chatting, they find out things about me that usually surprises them.  Things like the fact that I actually cook at home, drive myself places, shop at Sam’s Club, Target and Walmart.  Now, don’t get it twisted, the minute it’s economically feasible, I am so getting a cook, driver and personal assistant (LOL)!  

One of the funniest interactions I had was with one of the beloved mothers at our church about my cooking. One year Mother found out that I cooked oxtails and collard greens as a part of our thanksgiving dinner and she could NOT believe it.  She made me promise to let her taste some just to be sure they were made by me and not store brought or made by someone else.  She said, “cause darlin a woman who looks like you can’t usually cook nothin”.  It pleases me to say that Mother did taste my oxtails and collards and was pleasantly surprised by my cooking.  Mother has since gone on to be with the Lord and I miss her dearly.  All I can say is it’s not always what it looks like.

Over the years God has so changed my life tremendously.  I am surprised at what it looks like today.  I often look in the mirror and wonder how I got to this place of healing and blessing.  Where I was and what I was when he first reached into my life over two decades ago are worlds apart.  Before God, all I could see was the little girl who was victimized and afraid of her own shadow – “Little Much Afraid”.  Each time I’d look expecting to see something better, something altogether better and I’d only see her.  She was still abandoned by her mother at five years of age, left to live with an aunt who neglected and mistreated her.   She was still the victim of molestation by an older cousin, who instilled yet more fear in her that made her emotionally weak.  I was an easy target for more misuse.  But when Jesus came ALL of my fears were washed away.

I thank God for the anointed healing of salvation because when I look now I no longer see “Little Much Afraid”.  I see a vessel God can actually use for his glory.  No longer am I afraid of failing.  No longer am I afraid of the judgment of others.  I see a woman who has been delivered and healed.  I am definitely not perfect nor have I attained the full measure of His grace however, I am stronger wiser and much better.  I am glad I am not what I use to be and I thank God that things are not always what it looks like.