My Life was going well. I was a First Lady with a lot of love in my heart for God and people, had a great job, was active in the community and was thoroughly content with my role as wife and mother. I can still remember driving home from work that day, so many years ago, smiling while pulling up in my driveway. Cutting off the car, sighing contentedly, and looking up, I breathed a prayer of thanksgiving to God for how much He had blessed and changed my life. All of a sudden it was as if the sky itself opened up and a thought hit me like a ton of bricks. "I was molested as a child by an older boy in my neighborhood".
My childhood from ages 4-10 was filled with weekends of drinking by my Dad. Domestic violence in our home weekends was common. My family was well trained in pretending and covering pain. My Dad later gave his life to Christ however six little girls had been adversely affected. Fear, anxiety, and self-consciousness were a part of my daily life. After giving my heart to God at age 19 my life was miraculously changed for the better.
What I did not realize at the time is although salvation immediately brings us into a right relationship with God; results of past pain remain a part of our present until we deal with it. Sitting in my driveway that day old feelings of inadequacy resurfaced and I was that frightened little girl again. In that moment the Lord brought back to mind my constant prayer for years after being filled with the Holy Spirit, Psalm 139:23-24.
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting".(NIV)
God had patiently waited for me to grow before He could reveal and I could admit to myself this deeper level of healing needed for my soul.
Surprised and embarrassed by my inability to quickly move beyond what was revealed to me that day; I realized that someone other than my family needed to walk with me through a healing process. Intimidated by what others would think of me, especially in the church, it took me a few years to finally get enough courage to share my entire story with a sister. By that time we had moved from Detroit to Pastor in North Carolina. This sister called asking me to join her women's small prayer group. For a year I met with a core group of spiritually mature women from across the country early weekday mornings via phone. Praying exposed areas of my soul that totally humbled me.
Feelings of vulnerability begin to fade listening to these women share stories of deliverance and victory. I saw how self-disclosure, in a safe environment, is truly liberating. The discipline of prayer opened new levels of intimacy with God, His word and His people. The connection with others taught me practical everyday aspects of faith, fellowship and leadership. Today, so many years later, God has restored my soul and rebuilt the broken areas of my life. To be honest with you, some days, I feel overwhelmed by the challenges. That's when I ask the Holy Spirit to show me what He's doing in my life. Being dedicated to growth and truth has given me the courage to live in the open free from fear. The Lord will heal any areas of brokenness in your heart but YOU must trust Him with ALL your shattered pieces.
God has established, strengthened and settled me in ways I never dreamed possible. The opportunity of teaching principles of Success and Purpose with Wake County Community College and Wake County Detention Center is a direct result of sharing my life with others. He has opened doors for me to do workshops and lead others into the freedom I have found. God really desires to heal us inside and out. There is "Balanced Victory for the God Designed Life"!